Getting that "real" job.

In life growing up we're all faced with the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" It's a question I can remember hearing from head start til high school. I remember going thru several different decisions during my school career. I didn't become any of those things. When I was 16 I started waiting tables at a small chinese restaurant in the small little town I lived. I was pretty good at it, and I made decent money. After that I had several different jobs, and each time while I "deciding" what I wanted to be as I grew up, I went back to serving. So for almost 15 years now that's all I've done.

Often I hear the phrase, "when you get a real job" or a "real career" when referring to what it is I do. And more than anything that phrase angers me. I don't get paid in monopoly money people. This "job" pays my bills. This job allows me the time off I need in the day time to do all the therapy appointments, and be available for my kids field trips, and to go eat lunch with them. Or if they are sick I can pick them up. The only thing it doesn't allow me is the bed time stories, dinner time and homework.

But with every career there is some aspect of your life that suffers. That's why I don't like the mentality that ANY job isn't a "REAL" job. We all work, we all do what we have to do in order to support our family. We all find what works for our family.

Judging others by their career when you don't know their circumstances is just cruel. And women are the worst for it. As woman and mothers we need to life one another up. We've been suppressed for so long and looked down upon just for our gender that the last thing we need is to put each other down.

Next time before you judge, or even speak, think about what you're about to say. Is it positive? Is it necessary? Is it complimentary? Is it degrading?

If the answer to any of those questions ꜛ is yes, do't say it!

Cleaning up messes you cannot control..

Today is a hard day. While cleaning and going thru toys and rooms to make potential room for another (no I'm not pregnant) a job that should have taken an hour took 3. During this time I felt so defeated and so helpless. My son is only 4 and still acts like he is 2.

Cleaning up mustard and ketchup messes twice while stopping what I'm doing is do not how I wanted to spend my day. A day I finally just wanted to cry about. So I did..

I'm not a patient person, and a bit of a yeller..with a child with autism this is not acceptable...but it's who I am and who I'm trying not to be. It's so not his fault, and he so cannot help it, but in that moment I felt anger and frustration. Not only am I cleaning up a mess of a condiment I cannot stand, I'm trying to clean up this house from his tiny tornado of a mess. In moments like that I just want to scream, so usually I do. And his tiny little voice said to me, "mommy stop screaming" and I just lost it. This tiny little person who used to NEVER communicate with us asked me to stop. He asked me to stop and take a second to reassess what was going on. In that moment I prayed. I asked God to change me, and make me better. To make me stop and take a breath before I yell. And in that moment I failed.

But it's the moments after I realize I failed that I was able to learn from my mistake and hopefully do better. In that moment after I was able to hug him and let him know I'm sorry. And in that moment he just loved me.

So no matter how much feel like you're failing, those little minds still love you. And they still want and need you. Even if you yell, even if you forget to take that second before you act. Thank God for that moment.

Feeling a little less lonely.

I want to talk about a moment I had Sunday at church.  I've been going to my church for almost three years, and I love it. But I also still feel a little separated from others. I'm a little shy and tend to not introduce myself to others . This often leaves me jetting out of church, or any function pretty quickly. Even more quickly if my little tornado is in tow. He tends to makes me anxious, which isn't his fault. As a parent we are often judged by how our children act.

We're judged by how quiet or loud they are, how well they talk, or don't talk. Or how loud they are while playing. Marshall crosses all these boundaries in many ways. And for that reason I often feel stared at, and judged. So I usually try to make my presence pretty quick.

Well this past Sunday at the end of the service the little ones came down to sing a little song. Marshall was having no part of any song, and only had eyes for the playground outside. So of course emotions were all over the place, and once he has his little head set to something it is pretty impossible to change.

So I grabbed him and secretly hoped that it wouldn't be too long and we could quickly make our exit. While I was sitting there and struggling to keep him in my lap, starting to sweat just a little, this lady sat beside me. And as soon as she sat Marshall went right to her. She showed no signs of judgement, no signs of disdain for my loud "misbehaving" baby. She only displayed love and kindness. Not only to me, but to my baby. To my baby, that so many look at and wonder why he consistently growls, or why such small reprimands send him into an emotional melt down, or who won't eat hardly anything. She showed such compassion to me in a time and a place I feel so lonely.

As a Mom most of my time is spent with children, or at work, I get very little personal time or even time with the Hubs. So often I feel lonely, I feel as though no one ( even though I'm sure there are plenty) understands what we deal with or have to handle with Marsh.

It's so often that we get so consumed with our own lives that we fail to notice others struggles. But this fellow momma got it. She saw another struggle and stepped up to help, and did so willingly and lovingly.

It's important that we remember to look beyond our own worlds and understand the struggles that others go thru. So to this Momma I say, Thank you. Thank you for noticing us, and Thank you for love and kindness. Hopefully we can all learn from you and spread that compassion.

Loving while defeated.

It's been a while since I've sat down in front of the computer with intentions to write. It's something I've always loved to do. Something that I've always felt that I've been decent at. Putting words together isn't as easy as it seems. And for the past 5 years I've been pretty busy and neglected something I am good at.

I've also struggled for things to write about. Something interesting that everyone can relate to. Then it clicked, my life. What could I know more about? Nothing better than my own experiences. Every day is a challenge. Since I first started this blog another child has entered the picture. A small little creature, who quickly turned into a huge four year old.

Unlike his brother he doesn't speak much, and doesn't really interact with others much. You have to get to know him to get a reaction. This kid is wicked smart and can read, yes you read that right. He can read. But he can't communicate. This puzzled the Hubs and I for months, and after much deliberation and research and talks with other mothers I decided to have a talk with his pediatrician.

His behavior had gotten crazy, he was 4! But still acting like a stubborn terrible 2. I worried and stressed and prayed. I prayed for my baby. I prayed that he would be ok and that God would touch his poor troubled soul to calm down, before Momma had a break down.

When we got to the doctors office I could tell right away what my pediatrician was thinking. Her questions were leading to where I knew they were going to go, Autism. I knew my baby was special. I knew he was destined for greatness. But now it was going to be harder. The world is cruel, and relentless. And as a parent it's the last thing you want for your child.

After his diagnosis when we left I strapped my special boy in his seat and got in the car and just cried. I asked God why, why did my boy have to have it so hard. Why did he have to go thru this. I poured my heart out and cried all the tears I could cry.

I then sat back and thought about it. I thought about how God didn't do this, no one did it. My boy is just extra special. He just requires more patience. Which I think is a true test from God, because he gave me very little. My boy just requires extra special care.

The point is that it's ok to be angry. It's ok to cry, and more importantly it's ok to feel defeated. You just have to remember in those moments of defeat you are not alone. I'm not alone because I have an amazing support system, I have people who care about my sweet boy.

And you do too. Just know it's ok to be defeated, just at the end of the day pick up and go on. Because you are strong and you got this!

The upcoming of the First birthday!

Binky is growing too fast. This little munchkin is already ten months old. He is crawling, walking while holding on to things, and eats all by his self. It's true that time fly when you have children.

Speaking of eating all by his self, Binky has discovered that he LOVES corn dogs. He will just about eat an entire corn dog. It's so cute, today I even gave him half of one not cut up. The cute little guy went to town on it. And carried it around for a while.

This April Binky turns one, ONE whole year! I don't know if I'll be able to function, but I'm trying my hardest to push through the emotions of it all. I'm planning a HUGE party for the little rascal. I'm definitely doing the batman theme, what else for the rotten kid?!

I'm still in search for a place, and a few ideas. Any one have any idea's? what did you guys do on your kids first birthday?

I'm thinking of making a pizza and shaping the crust like the bat symbol. Then doing his cake layered and shaped like a bat symbol. IDK if I can do it, but I'm going to try.

We've also decided to take Binky to Ripley's Aquarium as his birthday gift. I hope he enjoys it, The Hubs had a blast when he took our nephew so I'm hoping this small one year old will have fun. I know we will!

Geez, enough with the pictures, I just want to eat this corn dog.

Binky's first Daycare experience.

Having an infant who can crawl, almost walk, and who has developed an attitude like no other is tiring. After I had Binky and was still breastfeeding I dropped weight like crazy. I even began an exercise regimen and calorie counting. I dropped weight pretty fast, but it wasn't long after that keeping up with the baby, returning to work and finally moving into our own first family apartment got the best of me.

Well thanks to a friend from work I've joined the gym at the YMCA that offers daycare while I work out. I'm totally stoked about it. It was great for my budget and awesome to finally be able to afford to introduce Binky to other children. 

Our first visit to the gym was heart breaking. I was a nervous wreck. My friend, who also has a son a few months older than Binky, and I made our way to the daycare. Where I was screaming and crying on the inside. I had carefully put Binky's name on all his belongings and had tried to mentally psych myself up for the drop off point. I just knew that my little angel wasn't going to handle it well, I knew that all the strangers and loud kids would terrify him and he would only want his mommy. Boy was I wrong. I was in the middle of giving love when he just jumps into the arm of the daycare lady. I continue to give instructions in case he decides he can't handle it and needs his mom. I sign him in and put down where I will be specifically because I just know that he's going to freak out when I walk out the door.

As I'm getting my work out on I can see Binky thru the big picture window, and I just watch him, knowing that at any moment he's going to make eye contact with me and lose it. When in reality I was close to losing it. He watched me, sweating my buns off and working up a great heart rate. He watched me and waved. And then he loved on the daycare lady. My own child, never having ever been to daycare was fine. He didn't need me.

So after working out for an hour, which kicked my ass. I finally made my way back, where he slowly came back to me. With promises of coming back he waved to the day care ladies and smiled saying his sweet 'bye bye'.

My kid, who knew. Other than my 9 month old growing up into a big kid, my work out is going great. I was stopped from going today because I fell UP my stair and totally hurt my knee. But I intend on getting back in there going strong tomorrow. Fingers crossed I can meet my goal and be a happier me. =]

yeah, sorry mom, just don't need ya right now..oh wait is that a matchbox car?!

Binky's Christmas,

I know, I know, it's wayyyyy past christmas. I've just been really busy. So after a long night of wrapping gift after gift and a sleepless night, due to excitement completely, it was time to get up!! We had a fun filled day planned, visiting Chandler's Nana and Auntie in Va and then seeing his other Nana, my mom, and my sister and her kids. I got up to shower and such our nephew had slept over and he was up before me of course. After I got out of the shower I had to WAKE the hubs and Binky up!! Those sleepy heads didn't want to get up!!!

After they woke up it was time to rip into presents! It was awesome! He loved everything and wanted to play with everything. This little 8 month old baby got more than he really needed. Santa totally hooked him up. His nana's and auntie's and his grandpa got him so much.

We also baked cookies for Santa and left reindeer food for his reindeer. It was an amazing holiday that I am so excited to share with Binky each year.

In other news, our little man is growing entirely too much. It won't be long til he can walk. He's already talking so much. too! And the kid knows what no means. Which is dangerous. He got his first real serious No recently. I had a magazine on top of my computer, he decided to climb up my computer and grab it. He then ripped the cover. I smacked his little hand and told him very firmly "NO!" he made this horrible face and repeated his ripping, I again smacked his little hand and told him "NO!" boy did I break his heart. Tears and all he was just devastated. Since then, he will now tell you no. Oh boy, the no stage.

How did you guys deal with no?

Look at all these presents mom, did you know that Santa knew just what I wanted?!