Loving while defeated.

It's been a while since I've sat down in front of the computer with intentions to write. It's something I've always loved to do. Something that I've always felt that I've been decent at. Putting words together isn't as easy as it seems. And for the past 5 years I've been pretty busy and neglected something I am good at.

I've also struggled for things to write about. Something interesting that everyone can relate to. Then it clicked, my life. What could I know more about? Nothing better than my own experiences. Every day is a challenge. Since I first started this blog another child has entered the picture. A small little creature, who quickly turned into a huge four year old.

Unlike his brother he doesn't speak much, and doesn't really interact with others much. You have to get to know him to get a reaction. This kid is wicked smart and can read, yes you read that right. He can read. But he can't communicate. This puzzled the Hubs and I for months, and after much deliberation and research and talks with other mothers I decided to have a talk with his pediatrician.

His behavior had gotten crazy, he was 4! But still acting like a stubborn terrible 2. I worried and stressed and prayed. I prayed for my baby. I prayed that he would be ok and that God would touch his poor troubled soul to calm down, before Momma had a break down.

When we got to the doctors office I could tell right away what my pediatrician was thinking. Her questions were leading to where I knew they were going to go, Autism. I knew my baby was special. I knew he was destined for greatness. But now it was going to be harder. The world is cruel, and relentless. And as a parent it's the last thing you want for your child.

After his diagnosis when we left I strapped my special boy in his seat and got in the car and just cried. I asked God why, why did my boy have to have it so hard. Why did he have to go thru this. I poured my heart out and cried all the tears I could cry.

I then sat back and thought about it. I thought about how God didn't do this, no one did it. My boy is just extra special. He just requires more patience. Which I think is a true test from God, because he gave me very little. My boy just requires extra special care.

The point is that it's ok to be angry. It's ok to cry, and more importantly it's ok to feel defeated. You just have to remember in those moments of defeat you are not alone. I'm not alone because I have an amazing support system, I have people who care about my sweet boy.

And you do too. Just know it's ok to be defeated, just at the end of the day pick up and go on. Because you are strong and you got this!